President George W Bush was last night quoted as saying that US forces would find those responsible for the recent bombings in Saudi Arabia and "teach them the meaning of American justice". The attacks were made on three housing compounds for expatriates in Riyadh and the government claims they are a clear sign of impending action against civilian targets at home in the US and the UK. President Bush also said: "I can´t say for certain it was al Qaeda yet, but I wouldn´t be surprised if it was."
Saudi officials reported 29 people had died (including 9 suicide bombers) and a further 194 people were injured in the blasts. Vice President Dick Cheney put the total at 91 dead. Apparently the incident took place at around 11.30pm on Monday when attackers shot their way into the compound. Although no one claimed responsibility for the attacks, just this morning US forces did find a copy of the Koran and a small drawing of Osama bin Laden near the scene.
Coming so soon after the discovery of Dijat Hyada, a Muslim shop owner in Birmingham, who had been constructing pencils filled with explosives this attack has caused a ripple of fear throughout Britain. Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from an underground bunker, claimed "this along with the Birmingham incident is conclusive evidence that we must step up our war on terrorism" and promptly ordered the arrest of all suspicious looking Arabs in Britain (not just the ones with the beards this time). The military were put on a high state of alert.
This recent attack, in the view of both the American and British governments, is a clear signal that the terrorists are about to strike again, but this time they are likely to attack closer to home. Security forces interrogating the recently captured Al´Qaeda agent, Hyada claim he revealed plans to assassinate the Queen and Tom Cruise. Hyada´s lawyer, Timothy Ritter, filed a suit claiming that his client was beaten and deprived of sleep before being threatened with death and that this caused him to make a false confession. Police dismissed the claims and when questioned said they were "at a loss" to explain why Mr Ritter has now disappeared. Home Secretary David Blunkett assured the press that he would look into the matter personally.
The Home Office in the UK and the State Department in the US issued the following joint statement - "It is not safe to leave the country at the present time as everyone else hates us and we are liable to be randomly attacked. If you do have to leave the house wear a gas mask and don´t talk to any Arabs".
This statement has caused widespread panic amongst the population as people try to prepare for terrorist attack. A group of Liberal MP's who suggested this was an "over reaction from the government" which "amounted to scare-mongering" were promptly arrested for being unpatriotic and will be extradited to the US for execution under new laws passed last week.
There was outrage across the United States today as the current Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, refused to stay the impending execution of 15 year-old, mentally handicapped Miranda Williams. Miss Williams was charged with murdering her entire family last April at their trailer in Ratville, Texas. Despite claims of incompetence levelled at the police investigation and new evidence which puts Miss Williams guilt in question Governor Perry had this to say "All the bleeding hearts can go to hell, if you kill someone in my state you can be damn sure I´m gonna get you."
The USA is one of the only countries in the world where both minors and the mentally handicapped can be put to death. On April 17th Miss Williams was found at the scene with a bloody knife in her hand by neighbour, Joe Gibbons. Despite evidence from her doctor at the trial that she would have been incapable of the force necessary to deal killer blows and could not have committed the murders from her wheelchair she was sentenced to the death penalty.
The long campaign to save Miranda from the electric chair seems to have failed as the execution will go ahead tonight. The appeal was based on evidence that another man was present at the scene of the crime that fateful day in April. However following a court injunction we cannot name this rich, white son of a prominent Republican family.
The government announced controversial new plans today to deal with the flood of refugees into Britain each year by housing asylum seekers in asylums. The Home Secretary, David Blunkett, told a packed press conference "We referred this matter to a think tank a number of months ago and they suggested this solution. As soon as I heard it I knew we were on to a winner."
The government has been under fire for some time now over the issue of asylum seekers. The situation in some parts of the country has become tense, with riots and racially motivated attacks commonplace. Some far right parties managed to gain support in the recent elections and it seems there is little sympathy for those trying to find asylum in Britain.
The plan may seem extreme to some people but David Blunkett had this to say "Nobody wants these false asylum seekers sneaking into our great country for a free ride but what do we do about it? Well we've tried putting them in substandard housing, we´ve tried preventing them from working, we´ve even avoided paying them real cash, giving them vouchers instead, but they just keep on coming in their thousands of millions. What we have to do is to make it more desirable for them to stay put, where they are."
When Mr Blunkett was challenged by a Guardian reporter, over the accuracy of his statements and the fact that well under 10% of applications for asylum are actually accepted, he stood quietly humming to himself. The Guardian reporter was ejected and the meeting was abruptly brought to a close.
One remaining stumbling block for the government over this proposal is the pending complaint from a coalition of lawyers representing the mentally ill, who are said to be horrified at the idea of having to share their wards with refugees. A long stay patient at Fairview Hospital in Dover had this to say "I don´t want them coming here stealing our medication and blankets."
The government is taking the hard line on this one and it doesn´t seem likely that they´ll be swayed. When Jack Straw, the last Home Secretary, now Foreign Secretary, was asked what he thought of the proposals he said "I wish I´d thought of it, I think Blunkett has found the perfect solution, and since the mentally ill and asylum seekers can´t vote it might actually work."
Presenter and star of the smash hit BBC show Bargain Hunt, David Dickinson, was today named as Britain´s sexiest man by a magazine poll. The poll was conducted by the hugely popular woman´s magazine "Servile Housewife".
Dickinson recieving his award last night.
Dickinson has recently enjoyed a great deal of publicity due to his striking similarity to the fictional antiques favourite, Lovejoy, and will attend a big bash to receive his award. Shirley Bitch, editor of the "Servile Housewife" magazine had this to say "If women are honest they cream their pants for David. He is a bobby-dazzler." She later added "Any woman who is over 9 stones in weight should really consider suicide, death is the ultimate diet." Last year´s winner, John Prescott, was unavailable for comment.
US forces reported the death of another six Saddam Hussein look-a-likes today. Two were killed in skirmishes on the outskirts of Baghdad, three died in the bombing of Hussein´s northern palace, and one was shot as he left a newsagent in Basra having just bought some cigarettes. US Army General Jay Garner said "These were unfortunate incidents, but you have to understand everyone of them boys out there would love to bag Saddam."
Moustaches are fast going out of fashion in Iraq as it apparently increases your chance of getting shot and slightly overweight individuals with facial hair on their top lips are afraid to leave the house in case an American soldier mistakes them for the outgoing dictator and shoots them dead. Ali Akhbar had this to say "I shaved my moustache yesterday, you´d be crazy not to, these Yanks will shoot at a picture of Hussein for Allah´s sake."
The US government claims all six of the look-a-likes were official members of the Iraqi regime. However sources in Basra say Ahmed Fadiga, the man shot dead outside a newsagent was in fact a taxi driver who supported the western invasion. His distraught wife Rasma said "My husband has had a concern about looking like Saddam for years as he always hated him."
Amidst claims from the international press that American troops are trigger-happy, president George Bush had this to say "Well, look at it like this, if we keep shootin em´ we´ll get the right one eventually." Prime Minister Blair backed his comments adding "In that heat with a big heavy kit and sand blowing in your eyes it can be difficult to determine who is who."
With the real Saddam still on the loose it seems anyone who bears a resemblance to him should keep indoors for the time being.
Endemol, the company behind channel 4's Big Brother, today announced details of their new reality TV show entitled I See You. The format is as follows - Ten contestants volunteer to have a small video camera grafted directly onto their forehead, the show then does its utmost to destroy the contestants life and airs the resulting footage. The winner is the one who can survive the longest without having a nervous breakdown or being arrested.
Ted Filopy, the Executive Producer, on the show had this to say, "It´s extreme but we believe that´s why people will tune in."
Challenged about the potential ruination of the contestant´s lives he said, "No-one is forcing them to do this, they all signed waivers stating that their greed for fame entitles us to exploit and humiliate them all we like."
So far over ten thousand people have applied and there may be a few surprises ahead before any of them can expect to pick up the £2 million prize.